Life

Life is full of contradictions.
sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly,
people suffer because you care.. you have to unlearn the lesson,
you have to give up because you are strong,
you have to be wrong to make things right..

Nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty.
We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again,
and get hurt to love again..

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

an ordinary day

i've always considered my birthday as one of the most important days in the year. no, scrap that. save for christmas, it is the most important day of the year for me. i know it's a bit self-centered, but together with a few other thousands of people throughout the whole world who were born on the same day, the day is reserved for us. you see, out of the billions of people in the world, birthdays are only for these few thousands.

ok, i'll stop it. i'm being too self-centered. hehe. it doesn't matter anyway. today was just an ordinary day. oh except the fact that i'm spending it for the first time outside the philippines, which by the way it went out today, made it ironically more ordinary. i miss spending my birthday in the philippines. there the festive christmas season is in the air, and i have my friends and family right beside me. but anyways, today was still okay. i'm glad a lot of friends and relatives still texted and called to greet me, even if i were miles away. and i'm glad tita juliette called because nico greeted me with his cute voice and she said she's going to make chocolate cake and apple pie for my birthday celebration and the despedida for the jtas which will be held in her house on wednesday. yep, a promise of chocolate cake and apple pie, that's my simplest birthday celebration yet, but it sure did make my day bright.

so there, this entry makes absolutely no sense. or maybe it does. but anyhow, i'm tired of studying the whole day (yeah, i had a special study day because i realized just how much work i have on my hands right now).

early morning musings

I was observing lots of people earlier. Everyone were young and drinking like there was no tomorrow. Usually, people frown on these people, but when I was looking at them, I couldn't help but see the beauty of life. Why worry about things to come? Why keep on bothering your mind about worries which will come and go? Carpe diem. From this day on, I'll live each day to the fullest.

Threshold of Uncertainty

Have you ever felt you had everything already - that you're already extremely lucky - and yet you find yourself looking for a hazy something else?

At the age of 20, I am lucky. I have a very generous and loving Mom who allowed me to pursue my dreams by studying on scholarship here in France. Although I'm not particularly close to my family in such a way that I reveal my secrets and aspirations to them, I have a fantastic family who supports me in whatever venture I fancy. I have a multitude of friends in the Philippines who are always ready to lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to do something, and feet to travel with. I have very nice friends from different races who never cease to amuse me and broaden my horizons with stories of their own culture and lifestyle. I have a special someone who is ready to put me in the center of his life.

Yet, for some unknown reason, I find myself still looking for something more. I crave for vague things which by just the feel of it, I know could break apart my "perfect" world. It feels so wrong, and yet in this bout of uncertainty, this feeling of confusion is all that I am certain of.

how can i be so cruel to the person who i love and who loves me so much?

Goodbyes

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always detested saying goodbye. When I was in kindergarten, I would throw a tantrum at my yaya whenever she would hold me and keep me from running after my mom when my mom was going away for work. Whenever my auntie and my cousins were about to leave after a short visit to my mom and me, I would feel totally sad and after a while, tears would be silently rolling down my face. During vacations to Bicol, it would take a tremendous amount of patience to convince me to go ungrudgingly with my Mom, but after spending a few weeks of vacation, I would be feeling all teary, sad and blue on the way back to Manila. Come gradeschool, my bestfriend had to move to Rhode Island, and until now, I remember that fateful morning where I had to say goodbye, put down the phone, and cry silently after.

Yes, I was quite a crybaby when I was a kid, something which I think I’ve outgrown now. Yet some things stay the same, such as never really being good at goodbyes.

Javier dropped by this afternoon to give me some of his unconsumed food. He was on his way back to Spain to spend the two-week Toussaint vacation in his homeland, and since he still had lots of spare food in his refrigerator, he decided to give it to me and our Polish friends. Delighted, I put everything in the refrigerator, had a short chat with Javier, after which he jokingly said that I should not feel too sad spending my holidays in ICAM. Suddenly, pangs of melancholy swept over me and for some bizarre reason, I felt sad that I had to say goodbye to Javier. Giving myself a slap on the head, I silently scolded myself that it was just two weeks, that I would also be going on vacation, and I had other friends to keep me company. And then I remembered that come January, my other Filipino friends will be going back home already, and so will be some of my Polish friends, thus leaving Lille a drearier place. I could feel the familiar sense of melancholy again, and thus, I’m now here typing away the growing anxiety.

Why is it like this in the first place? I feel sad all over but I know that life will go on, and after a few weeks’, or months’ time, I would be back to the hustle and bustle of life, and the vicious cycle continues.

Life is comprised of too many crosswords. You meet people every day in the street – people who you might not be able to see again ever in your life. I’ve met lots of new people here in France, and it astonishes me that like the people in the street, some of these people who I’ve actually spent even a few minutes of talking with will never cross my life again. And I’m a bit afraid that after my 10-month stay here in France, the relationships which I have cultivated here would suddenly just snap off, as if it was just a faraway dream.

I remember what one of my teachers told me during one of my first few days here in Lille. You’ll cry two times in your stay here in France – one when you just arrived because you miss your homeland, and the other when you’re about to leave already after having built strong relationships with your friends in France already. When he told me about it before, I simply shrugged it off thinking it wouldn’t happen to me. Yet now, I’m writing about goodbyes.

The International Pinoy

Monique, a friend here in France and a fellow Ateneo student, is a writer in a local newspaper in the Philippines - the Philippine Star. Last October 14, they released her article, The International Pinoy. I love it and because I love it so much, I'm posting it here.

The International Pinoy
YOUTHSPEAK By Monique Buensalido
The Philippine STAR 10/14/2005

LILLE, France – What do you do when someone calls you by yelling "Baboy, baboy"? While I have nothing against pigs (on the contrary – I love pigs), in Manila I would have probably given that person a hard slap.

Here in France, I simply yell "Baboy!" back.

No, my Filipino friends and I haven’t gained 50 pounds or anything. (I can hear my boyfriend sighing in relief.) Before we left for our respective host universities, all of the participants of the Junior Term Abroad program attended a talk about studying abroad back in Ateneo. The girl who gave the talk disclosed a simple yet very effective way to find fellow Pinoys when you’re in another country. "Just walk around and say, ‘Baboy, baboy, baboy…’ If you see anyone turn their heads, you can be sure they’re Pinoys." That amused us so much that once we got to France, we started using baboy as our reference word whenever we travel. It’s hard to keep nine people together all the time, so when we get separated from each other, we stop and start yelling "Baboy! Baboy!" until our lost friends yell the same thing in return. In the Philippines, we would have sounded like total lunatics, but we can get away with it here in France since no one understands. We’re this close to making a flag bearing the word baboy and waving it in the air so we can find each other in the crowd.

The baboy call may have worked with the nine of us, but we soon found out that we don’t have to yell Filipino words to find fellow Pinoys here. I never realized how many Filipinos are here in Europe until I kept seeing Filipino faces smiling back at me in the subway. I’m waiting for the next train and see another Filipina waiting for a train on the opposite platform. I’m walking out of the metro station and see two Filipinas walking ahead of me. I’m looking for the bathroom at the Louvre and I hear someone whispering behind me, "Ano daw?". There are so many Filipinos here in Europe that there are actually Filipino masses in some cities, like Brussels and Paris!

Every time we meet fellow Filipinos here, my friends and I get so excited. Even after several encounters with Filipinos in different places, we’re amazed when we find fellow Pinoys. Sometimes we even chase after them just to ask them if they’re Filipino and to say hello. We talk about what we’re doing in Europe, where we’re from in the Philippines, where the cheap restaurants are, what the mass schedules are in the nearby churches. Sometimes we even take pictures with each other. Afterwards my friends and I always feel a goofy sense of Filipino pride and gleefully tell each other, "Proud to be!"

Yes, I’m proud to be Filipino. Even though I’m in a completely different continent, country and culture, I feel like all my experiences here affirm my love for my country. It’s only in another country that you start to notice and appreciate all good (and sometimes, even bad!) things Filipino. You start to miss all the little things you used to take for granted back home, and while you can’t experience the full-fledged Filipino lifestyle just yet, finding Pinoys is the next best thing. We’ve met so many people here from different countries and cultures, but I still love meeting other Filipinos the most.

The great thing is that we can find fellow Pinoys practically everywhere. When we visited Brugge in Belgium, we found a group of Filipinas who excitedly showed us a cheap place to eat, took us around the city, showed us where the Asian store is, and even let us use the bathroom in their house. They told us all about life in Brugge, relationships with foreigners and Filipinos, and then they gave us a pack of Skyflakes to keep us full on the ride home. When we visited Brussels about three weeks later, we found fellow Filipinas taking pictures of the gorgeous buildings, and after talking, we were taking pictures with each other. During lunch the next day, a Filipino approached us to say hello and even apologized for having plans on that day. When we asked why, he told us that he would have wanted to take us around Brussels. On our recent trip to Paris, we kept meeting Filipinos in the subway, and while we were the one who approached most of them to say hello, the others just surprised us by suddenly participating in our group’s conversations in Filipino.

There are even Filipinos in a small quiet place like Lille. One night, my friends and I were hanging outside our dorm, talking in Filipino when a guy stopped in front us and said, "Ano ka ba?" After we recovered from the surprise, he explained how glad he was to find other Filipinos in Lille and asked if we knew how to cook adobo. Two weeks ago, we were lucky enough to be invited by a Filipina lady for a nice home-cooked dinner in her apartment one night. When we opened the door to Tita Jocie’s apartment, the aroma of rice wafted in the air and we instantly felt at home. We had all the elements of a Filipino meal and a French meal. Right beside the adobo and rice were cheese, bread, and wine. We had so much fun talking about the Philippines and living in Lille, from our first glasses of juice before dinner to our last sips of coffee and tea. Tita Jocie even gave us winter clothes to wear as she warned us that Lille was only going to get colder. Just last weekend, we got invited to go to another tita’s house, where we met Tita Juliet and her family, and her friendTita Myrna and her husband as well. We spent the entire Saturday in Tita Juliet’s house, eating, watching The Incredibles in French and playing with their adorable kids. They took us shopping for a while and even drove us home because we missed the last bus home.

Lille really feels like home to me now, but it’s still hard to completely relax in a culture I’m not familiar with. It’s hard to relate or even communicate with people I don’t know and don’t understand. I’m always tiptoeing, making sure I do or say the right thing. Finding other Filipinos reminds me of my real home, where I’m comfortable enough to get off my toes and walk around barefoot. I can be myself. There’s just something so comforting and satisfying about finding other Filipinos. Not only can I talk in native Filipino, but I instantly feel a connection with that person.

It affirms that I’m definitely not alone. When I meet other Pinoys, I know other people are reeling from high prices. Other people are cooking rice. Other people are already feeling cold in October. Other people are using tabos in the bathroom. Even with my posse of Filipino baboy buddies here in Lille, being away from my family and friends can get lonely sometimes. Somehow being with other Filipinos brings me closer to home. That’s the funny thing – I hardly know these people, and yet they’re practically family just because they’re Filipinos. Every Filipino we’ve encountered has been very kind and accommodating to us. That’s one of the amazing things about Filipino culture. We love our families and treat everyone else like family. I’m proud to be a member of the Filipino family.

Yes, there are times when we look at the newspapers and just feel depressed about the state of our country. There have been a couple of times that I’ve done a presentation on the Philippines for school here in France and couldn’t avoid talking about poverty or corruption. Our country’s not perfect. But what country is? I believe there is hope for the Philippines. Our country may go through so much turmoil and difficulties, but all over the world there are thousands of Filipinos working hard in different ways, from taking care of children to taking care of a business. With each drop of sweat and ounce of effort, they help uplift and restore our land. They exude the resilience, hospitality, ingenuity, and thoughtfulness of Filipinos in everything they do. Yes, the best thing about the Philippines is still the Filipino.

Bamboo knew what they were singing about in Noypi. May agimat ang dugo ko. There’s simply something magical that weaves all Filipinos together, and whether it’s in our blood or not, I’m more than proud to be part of that beautiful tapestry. I’m lucky to be Filipino.