Goodbyes

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always detested saying goodbye. When I was in kindergarten, I would throw a tantrum at my yaya whenever she would hold me and keep me from running after my mom when my mom was going away for work. Whenever my auntie and my cousins were about to leave after a short visit to my mom and me, I would feel totally sad and after a while, tears would be silently rolling down my face. During vacations to Bicol, it would take a tremendous amount of patience to convince me to go ungrudgingly with my Mom, but after spending a few weeks of vacation, I would be feeling all teary, sad and blue on the way back to Manila. Come gradeschool, my bestfriend had to move to Rhode Island, and until now, I remember that fateful morning where I had to say goodbye, put down the phone, and cry silently after.

Yes, I was quite a crybaby when I was a kid, something which I think I’ve outgrown now. Yet some things stay the same, such as never really being good at goodbyes.

Javier dropped by this afternoon to give me some of his unconsumed food. He was on his way back to Spain to spend the two-week Toussaint vacation in his homeland, and since he still had lots of spare food in his refrigerator, he decided to give it to me and our Polish friends. Delighted, I put everything in the refrigerator, had a short chat with Javier, after which he jokingly said that I should not feel too sad spending my holidays in ICAM. Suddenly, pangs of melancholy swept over me and for some bizarre reason, I felt sad that I had to say goodbye to Javier. Giving myself a slap on the head, I silently scolded myself that it was just two weeks, that I would also be going on vacation, and I had other friends to keep me company. And then I remembered that come January, my other Filipino friends will be going back home already, and so will be some of my Polish friends, thus leaving Lille a drearier place. I could feel the familiar sense of melancholy again, and thus, I’m now here typing away the growing anxiety.

Why is it like this in the first place? I feel sad all over but I know that life will go on, and after a few weeks’, or months’ time, I would be back to the hustle and bustle of life, and the vicious cycle continues.

Life is comprised of too many crosswords. You meet people every day in the street – people who you might not be able to see again ever in your life. I’ve met lots of new people here in France, and it astonishes me that like the people in the street, some of these people who I’ve actually spent even a few minutes of talking with will never cross my life again. And I’m a bit afraid that after my 10-month stay here in France, the relationships which I have cultivated here would suddenly just snap off, as if it was just a faraway dream.

I remember what one of my teachers told me during one of my first few days here in Lille. You’ll cry two times in your stay here in France – one when you just arrived because you miss your homeland, and the other when you’re about to leave already after having built strong relationships with your friends in France already. When he told me about it before, I simply shrugged it off thinking it wouldn’t happen to me. Yet now, I’m writing about goodbyes.

The International Pinoy

Monique, a friend here in France and a fellow Ateneo student, is a writer in a local newspaper in the Philippines - the Philippine Star. Last October 14, they released her article, The International Pinoy. I love it and because I love it so much, I'm posting it here.

The International Pinoy
YOUTHSPEAK By Monique Buensalido
The Philippine STAR 10/14/2005

LILLE, France – What do you do when someone calls you by yelling "Baboy, baboy"? While I have nothing against pigs (on the contrary – I love pigs), in Manila I would have probably given that person a hard slap.

Here in France, I simply yell "Baboy!" back.

No, my Filipino friends and I haven’t gained 50 pounds or anything. (I can hear my boyfriend sighing in relief.) Before we left for our respective host universities, all of the participants of the Junior Term Abroad program attended a talk about studying abroad back in Ateneo. The girl who gave the talk disclosed a simple yet very effective way to find fellow Pinoys when you’re in another country. "Just walk around and say, ‘Baboy, baboy, baboy…’ If you see anyone turn their heads, you can be sure they’re Pinoys." That amused us so much that once we got to France, we started using baboy as our reference word whenever we travel. It’s hard to keep nine people together all the time, so when we get separated from each other, we stop and start yelling "Baboy! Baboy!" until our lost friends yell the same thing in return. In the Philippines, we would have sounded like total lunatics, but we can get away with it here in France since no one understands. We’re this close to making a flag bearing the word baboy and waving it in the air so we can find each other in the crowd.

The baboy call may have worked with the nine of us, but we soon found out that we don’t have to yell Filipino words to find fellow Pinoys here. I never realized how many Filipinos are here in Europe until I kept seeing Filipino faces smiling back at me in the subway. I’m waiting for the next train and see another Filipina waiting for a train on the opposite platform. I’m walking out of the metro station and see two Filipinas walking ahead of me. I’m looking for the bathroom at the Louvre and I hear someone whispering behind me, "Ano daw?". There are so many Filipinos here in Europe that there are actually Filipino masses in some cities, like Brussels and Paris!

Every time we meet fellow Filipinos here, my friends and I get so excited. Even after several encounters with Filipinos in different places, we’re amazed when we find fellow Pinoys. Sometimes we even chase after them just to ask them if they’re Filipino and to say hello. We talk about what we’re doing in Europe, where we’re from in the Philippines, where the cheap restaurants are, what the mass schedules are in the nearby churches. Sometimes we even take pictures with each other. Afterwards my friends and I always feel a goofy sense of Filipino pride and gleefully tell each other, "Proud to be!"

Yes, I’m proud to be Filipino. Even though I’m in a completely different continent, country and culture, I feel like all my experiences here affirm my love for my country. It’s only in another country that you start to notice and appreciate all good (and sometimes, even bad!) things Filipino. You start to miss all the little things you used to take for granted back home, and while you can’t experience the full-fledged Filipino lifestyle just yet, finding Pinoys is the next best thing. We’ve met so many people here from different countries and cultures, but I still love meeting other Filipinos the most.

The great thing is that we can find fellow Pinoys practically everywhere. When we visited Brugge in Belgium, we found a group of Filipinas who excitedly showed us a cheap place to eat, took us around the city, showed us where the Asian store is, and even let us use the bathroom in their house. They told us all about life in Brugge, relationships with foreigners and Filipinos, and then they gave us a pack of Skyflakes to keep us full on the ride home. When we visited Brussels about three weeks later, we found fellow Filipinas taking pictures of the gorgeous buildings, and after talking, we were taking pictures with each other. During lunch the next day, a Filipino approached us to say hello and even apologized for having plans on that day. When we asked why, he told us that he would have wanted to take us around Brussels. On our recent trip to Paris, we kept meeting Filipinos in the subway, and while we were the one who approached most of them to say hello, the others just surprised us by suddenly participating in our group’s conversations in Filipino.

There are even Filipinos in a small quiet place like Lille. One night, my friends and I were hanging outside our dorm, talking in Filipino when a guy stopped in front us and said, "Ano ka ba?" After we recovered from the surprise, he explained how glad he was to find other Filipinos in Lille and asked if we knew how to cook adobo. Two weeks ago, we were lucky enough to be invited by a Filipina lady for a nice home-cooked dinner in her apartment one night. When we opened the door to Tita Jocie’s apartment, the aroma of rice wafted in the air and we instantly felt at home. We had all the elements of a Filipino meal and a French meal. Right beside the adobo and rice were cheese, bread, and wine. We had so much fun talking about the Philippines and living in Lille, from our first glasses of juice before dinner to our last sips of coffee and tea. Tita Jocie even gave us winter clothes to wear as she warned us that Lille was only going to get colder. Just last weekend, we got invited to go to another tita’s house, where we met Tita Juliet and her family, and her friendTita Myrna and her husband as well. We spent the entire Saturday in Tita Juliet’s house, eating, watching The Incredibles in French and playing with their adorable kids. They took us shopping for a while and even drove us home because we missed the last bus home.

Lille really feels like home to me now, but it’s still hard to completely relax in a culture I’m not familiar with. It’s hard to relate or even communicate with people I don’t know and don’t understand. I’m always tiptoeing, making sure I do or say the right thing. Finding other Filipinos reminds me of my real home, where I’m comfortable enough to get off my toes and walk around barefoot. I can be myself. There’s just something so comforting and satisfying about finding other Filipinos. Not only can I talk in native Filipino, but I instantly feel a connection with that person.

It affirms that I’m definitely not alone. When I meet other Pinoys, I know other people are reeling from high prices. Other people are cooking rice. Other people are already feeling cold in October. Other people are using tabos in the bathroom. Even with my posse of Filipino baboy buddies here in Lille, being away from my family and friends can get lonely sometimes. Somehow being with other Filipinos brings me closer to home. That’s the funny thing – I hardly know these people, and yet they’re practically family just because they’re Filipinos. Every Filipino we’ve encountered has been very kind and accommodating to us. That’s one of the amazing things about Filipino culture. We love our families and treat everyone else like family. I’m proud to be a member of the Filipino family.

Yes, there are times when we look at the newspapers and just feel depressed about the state of our country. There have been a couple of times that I’ve done a presentation on the Philippines for school here in France and couldn’t avoid talking about poverty or corruption. Our country’s not perfect. But what country is? I believe there is hope for the Philippines. Our country may go through so much turmoil and difficulties, but all over the world there are thousands of Filipinos working hard in different ways, from taking care of children to taking care of a business. With each drop of sweat and ounce of effort, they help uplift and restore our land. They exude the resilience, hospitality, ingenuity, and thoughtfulness of Filipinos in everything they do. Yes, the best thing about the Philippines is still the Filipino.

Bamboo knew what they were singing about in Noypi. May agimat ang dugo ko. There’s simply something magical that weaves all Filipinos together, and whether it’s in our blood or not, I’m more than proud to be part of that beautiful tapestry. I’m lucky to be Filipino.

Strangers who felt strange

I had fun gate-crashing tonight. I had Filipino friends who study at ESPEME, a management school here in Lille, and they asked me to come with them to the party of a classmate. Since I wanted to immerse myself in the Lille culture, I decided to go with them and thus, I met all sorts of people - French (it's a given), Polish, Swedish, Slovenian, etc. We met the ESPEME students at the Grand Place after which we went to the venue of the house party.

The house was teeming with students, some drank, some tipsy, some still sober. At any rate, the moment our group stepped into the room wherein the party was being held, we could feel all eyes on us. Gausha (i don't know if I'm spelling her name correctly) couldn't have put it better - "I feel strange". There we were, a bunch of étrangers (sounds like strangers, but it really means foreigners) feeling strange in a strange party. hehe.

Anyway, some French students came up to me asking if I was chinoise (chinese), to my surprise. On second thought though, it isn't that surprising because most people here call all Asians as chinois. More surprisingly though, I've been mistaken to be British for two times already. I don't know but I just can't imagine myself having the British accent.

When I was starting to get the feel of the party (that was, when I was beginning to have decent conversation with the other students), my friends called me and told me that we had to go since we were going to fetch the other Filipinos who were in another school party. Everyone met up, everyone was satisfied (or so I think) with the night and we all walked back to our homes... except for me. En route to my dormitory (aka school), I bumped into my Polish schoolmates and we had a little trip to a nearby bar with some French ladies, after having a small street meeting with other French students in the street. The French ladies, especially Melanie, were really nice and it was really a pleasure meeting them. They were very patient with my very bad French, and they also tried to speak in English for us. I'll be meeting them later again. I'm so glad I went out tonight. It's fun meeting new people and learning more about different cultures.

AND, it's also fun correcting views about the Philippines. It was some joke, but anyways, one of the guys I met asked me this evening upon learning that I was from ICAM - an engineering school - "Why do you have engineering in the Philippines?" Totally shocked, I answered his stupid question with a stupid answer, "because we also build buildings and machines in the Philippines." Oh well, I'm not a civil engineer or something, but you know, just to make things easier for him... I just console myself that the said question was infinitely better than the top 2 questions other people have posed to fellow Filipinos here, namely:

2) Do you have electricity in the Philippines?
1) Do people live in trees there?

Grrr.. What questions.

They sound like urban legends, but they're true/ Oh well, it's time to put things straight.

Realities

I spent the weekend in Paris and if I didn't have more important things to write about, I would have been telling stories of that fantastic but short-lived trip. Perhaps, I would write about it - in another occasion.

Now, more pressing matters need to be unraveled from my mind. This afternoon, I talked to my Mom. It's always nice talking to her, but after that conversation, I really could say, ignorance is bliss. First off was the degrading state of affairs in the Philippines. I've been only gone for a month and she said that things have become worse - politically, and economically. It's tiring to hear about the country like that. Doesn't the corrupt people have anything else to do in their lives than just acquire money and advance their own interests? Don't they see the shit the country is in already? Me and the other filipinos here are wondering what kind of country we'll return to. It is depressing. We do all we can here to preserve the name of the country - to promote the country we love to the people around us here, and the officials are just ruining everything.

Now second point, I've never been a family person, but the things happening in my family are beyond my tolerance. When my aunt came to the Philippines from California for a vacation, "the family elders" had this grand meeting. There, my grandparents together with their sons and daughters - my mom and her brothers and sister, to be exact - had this grand meeting about, yes, the inheritance. So they finished talking about it that same night and everything was settled - or they thought it was. Come yesterday, my mom gave the e-mail of my lolo to my uncle and lo and behold, he said things implying that his share was too small, while my mom's was too big. I love my uncle. He is my favorite uncle and it really is bad to hear something like that from him. Many people say that this disagreement over inheritance is bound to happen, but I didn't want to believe it and yet it is starting already. I hope everything gets settled. I don't want to return to a broken country and a family divided by inheritance differences.

I've always looked forward to returning to the Philippines after everything. I've always told everyone that the country needs them and they should work in the country. Now I understand why so many people are exiling themselves from the country, but I don't want to join them in that exile.